Letter I Sent Myself Tonight

Jessica,

You must do this now. You cannot put it off. Set time aside today to work on this project. Perhaps, from 9:30 am-11:00 am would be a good goal to aim for.

There are some exciting opportunities out there that you must go after. Yes, Jessica, go after them. Go after your goals and achieve them. Have faith in your abilities--the talent, passion, intellect, and education that God has afforded to you. These must not go to waste. There is an opportunity out there for you, but it will not come to your door, curl up against it and wait for you to come out. You will have to go in search, find them, and make them yours. Go after your dreams. Just like you are going after the dream and possibility of Sihanouk, of love, fight for your dream career path. You may have to start small--writing grants in North Philadelphia or community organizing in Denver--but this is a necessary next step in the path begun when you drove up Broad Street with someone who didn't have the eyes that you do so many years ago. On that night you realized something about yourself. God had begun a journey--a work in you--and He will carry it to completion, but you must work with Him, you must cooperate and do your hard work to bring it all to fruition. This journey may yet end with you authoring a ground-breaking study that will change policy for American women, but it has to be fought in these trenches. God will direct and make doors open; you must only work hard and with honor.

Send the resumes. Resend them. Make the phone calls. Passionately draft the cover letters. Enjoy and drink in the process. This is where it begins.

j

And the Wall Came Tumbling Down!

I have embarked on another major renovation project at my house.  This one I am doing mostly on my own.  This is by far the biggest project I've undertaken by myself.  So far I have painted (I know, whoop-dee-doo), attempted to pull up hideous vinyl tile from my hardwood floors (gave up on that after about 4 sq. ft.), installed a cheap laminate tile in my spare bathroom, and tore out my damaged dining room ceiling (I paid someone to install the new one).

So, this is going to be not only a much bigger project, but much more technical and involved as well.  I am tearing out a dividing wall between my dining room and kitchen, and then will be reconfiguring my kitchen.  I will have some assistance from a friend regarding wiring, etc., but the vast majority of the project will be in my, hopefully, capable hands.

I was reminded of my penchant for optimism as I got not too far into this effort when what I thought was only going to be one outlet in an otherwise "hollow" wall turned into THREE outlets and a heating duct for the second floor.  In my happy naivete, I thought this project would be "no big deal," just tearing down some plaster and lathe and then cutting out the studs!  Au Contraire!  My initial plan to remove the entire wall would require rewiring of all the outlets and rerouting of the heating duct.  Those skills are not in my bag of tricks and I'm not of the mind to learn any new tricks.  Even with help from my friend, it would make my "simple" job much more complex and possibly costly, so we devised a solution that I am actually really excited about.

The new plan is to drywall over the right-hand portion of the wall--closing up the current doorway--just enough to cover one of the outlets and the ductwork.  This will create a small divider between the rooms (approx. 32'') that will give an aestheticly pleasing look of separation but still allow for alot of openness.  I also plan to leave an open space of several feet between the high ceilings and the top of this small divider.  That will create more openness and be a great place to sit trailing plants!  Yea for unexpected ductwork!

At least the major clean-up effort of this project has been made SO MUCH easier by my bright idea to dump the materials in the lot of the half-collapsed tenement next to me.  This was decided upon as I realized that I had no contractor bags to use for disposal and I am making every effort to keep this job as cost-free as possible (contractor bags run $30 for a box).  I have been lurking around on craigslist, scavenging for free, used cabinets, countertops and any other materials I may need.  I don't think people are giving away contractor bags--especially not used!  This house is scheduled to be torn down by the city anyway, so I don't think my few piles on top of the existing rubble will cause too much attention.  I'm very possessed by seeing how little I can accomplish this project for.  Any guesses anyone?  Complete kitchen remodel for under $200?  $100?  It's truly amazing the things people give away for free on craigslist!  We'll see what happens!

If only this job were as easy as walking around the wall seven times and it falling to the ground. Where's Joshua when you need him!

Thesis Process Outline

For those who are interested in what I am doing for my Master's Thesis, here is a basic outline I wrote up of what I need to accomplish over the next ten months.  In the original document, I have dates for each item posted in the comments bar, but I didn't bother including those here.  My basic research question is this:  Is there a trend of white women from middle-class backgrounds going to work with low-income, urban minorities and what is the profile of these women (including what factors cause them to make this decision)?

I.  Proposal Process

1.  Complete Proposal and send to Dr. Corbitt and Jerry for review.

2.  Complete and send all materials for IRB review.

3.  Create detailed outline of thesis research plan.

II.  Research

PHASE I

1.  Create detailed list of all Philadelphia agencies to include in Phase I of study.

2.  Gathered information from each Philadelphia agency included in Phase I for employee demographics including getting permission / contact information from subjects for Phase I surveys.

3.  Data compilation complete for Phase I employee demographics.

4.  Create Phase I surveys.

5.  Contact 100 potential subjects for Phase I surveys (via email, hopefully).

6.  Received 75 completed surveys.

PHASE II

7.  I complete a survey and have someone interview me for answers to Phase II research.

8.  Contact and set up appointments with potential interview subjects based upon survey

     results (appointments to be scheduled between 10/10 and 11/6).

9.  Completed 20 in-depth interviews. 

III.  Data Analysis

1.  Data analysis tools completed for both portions of Phase I research.

2.  Phase I data entered into analysis tools.

3.  Detailed notes/outline or other organizational model created for results of Phase I research.

4.  Data analysis tool created for Phase II research

5.  Phase II research entered into analysis tool.

6.  Detailed notes, outline or other organizational model created for results of Phase II

     research.

IV.  Writing (working outline)

1.  INTRODUCTION

Detailed explanation of my personal background leading to an interest in this research. 

Comparison on my personal results with overall research findings.

Introduction to several prominent figures in the study.

2.  LITERATURE REVIEW

History:  American Settlement Movement

  Suffrage Movement

International Perspectives

Field Specific Literature:  Education

        Social Work

Relevant Areas Lacking Research and Writing

3.  EXPLANATION OF METHODOLOGY

      Also, importance of the research, why it’s needed, it’s contribution to the field.

4.  DISCUSSION OF FINDINGS

A.  Profile of White Women working among Urban Minorities

          Discussion of the following potential markers:    -Demographics

-Family Background

-Other background experiences

  -Socio-economic Status

  -Religious Views

-Political Views

-Perception of Self

-Perception of Minorities

-Efficacy of their work

-Worldview

B.  Causation

Discussion of the following potential factors: -Gender-based

occupational segregation

-Concept of social obligations

-Psychological (power, domination, need to be needed)

-White Guilt

-Religious Convictions

-Childhood exposure to injustice

-Personal experiences of suffering

-Connecting oppression of women with other types of  oppression

-Women as nurturers

5.  CONCLUSION

      Is this a phenomenon?

      Why is it happening?

      What are the general results (is it a good thing or a bad thing--or most likely somewhere in

      between)?

      Recommendations based upon findings.

Health & Wealth and Friendly Disagreement

Just had a really infuriating conversation with a friend.  A Christian friend, who just doesn't see theology the way I do.  That is the "infuriating" part about it-I've never been much of a fan of the whole "agree to disagree" thing.  I just can't understand how two people can look at the same two things and see something so radically different.  We are both Christians, both believers in God's sacred and holy scriptures, yet we come to different conclusions.  I am NOT satisfied with that!

We were discussing the concept of the "health and wealth gospel."  A concept which infuriates me much more than "agreeing to disagree."  To be more accurate, what we were really discussing is what God's blessings look like and the reality of suffering in our lives.  To best sum it up, my friend was arguing that God does not want us to suffer and blesses us for our faithfulness.  I had to part with him from the gate.  Christ suffered immensely--and not just on the cross, through the act of redemption, but throughout his life.   I would argue that, 1.  Suffering can come to us unprovoked.  In other words, it sometimes has nothing to do with our faithfulness, or the lack thereof.  2.  That God specifically calls us to share in the sufferings of Jesus.  In other words, sometimes, as a direct result of the choices we make to live according to God's Kingdom, as opposed to the kingdom of this earthly realm, we will indeed suffer.  For some reason completely beyond my comprehension, my friend had to part with me on those points.  I see them as nothing other than wholly Biblical.

He kept saying, "you're pointing out all the extreme cases" (responding to me speaking of children who die of diseases, women who are raped, people who die in totally random car accidents--uh, how about women who are happily jogging one minute and dead from a fallen tree branch the next).  Of course those are all "extreme," however, they are also all very common (except for the tree branch thing) and have nothing to do with our level of faithfulness, or our "naming and claiming" blessings for our lives.

Next I brought up Job.  This seemed to be pretty cut and dry to me.  Scripture clearly tells us that Job was blameless before God and that the entire course of "unfortunate" events was completely outside of his understanding.  "For my ways are higher than your ways" declared God.   "Did you put the stars in the sky?  Did you place the behemoth in the sea?"  The point being, you don't always need to know and fully understand why suffering happens--sometimes we just can't.  My friend said that Job was the richest man of his day, God was getting his attention because "where our treasure is, there is our heart."  I wanted to bang my head against a wall.

So, there really is no conclusion to this posting.  We didn't agree, and after two hours on the phone, I had to use the facilities and just couldn't continue any longer.

One Minute

Perendinate: to put off until the day after tomorrow.

Ahhh, someone out there speaks my language! I am NO procrastinator. I am a perendinator!

This posting was inspired by my perendinating tendencies and recent realization that some of the tasks I put off repeatedly really don't take that long at all. Somehow in my peahen brain I just manage to make the tiniest of molehills into giant mountains when it comes to getting things done. It all started with coffee. I love to drink coffee morning, noon, and night, although I usually sip it rather slowly so I'm heating it up repeatedly throughout the day. As anyone who knows me can attest to, I do not like to wait for anything. Standing around in my kitchen waiting for my coffee to re-heat for one minute in the microwave was becoming a loathsome burden. So I would run off and try to do something and make it back before the bell would ding. Thus, began my silly little experiment; seeing all the different little things I could accomplish during that one minute. Here are the findings of my highly official research. Disclaimer: These findings are based on the household of a single woman. Dirty bachelors and families with children may disagree.


Things You Can Do in One Minute or Less

Empty one shelf of the dishwasher
Load all dinner dishes, including pans, etc., into the dishwasher after cooking and eating.
Return to the fridge and pantry various fixings for whatever meal you're cooking
Make a sandwich
Make a burrito (minus actual cooking time)
Close all the windows in a small-medium sized house (unless they're crotchety old things) or all the windows on one floor of a large house
Wash your face
Make the bed
Wipe down kitchen counters
Clean the bathtub (unless you haven't done so in ages)
Take out a bag of trash and recyclables
Collect trash from bathrooms and bedrooms
Put your phone on the charger (8 seconds!)
Start a pot of coffee
Clean out your coffee pot when it's grimy
Start a load of laundry
Fold half a load of laundry
Put clean laundry away
Check on something in the oven or on the stove that may be burning or spilling over
Check your voicemail (again--unless you haven't done so in days)
Open and sort mail (if you already have an organized filing system)
Send one loved one an email just to keep in contact and say "I Love You!"
Pay a bill online
Water plants (unless you have an arboretum)

Feel free to conduct your own experiment and add to my list!

Hanging by the pool

It is officially HOT out, and me without air conditioning.  All the usual bothers of the heat--my face covered in grease and breaking out like a pre-pubescent schoolboy, skin sticky within three minutes after a shower, shirt wet with sweat at the slightest stir of activity--ah, the lazy days of summer.  I'm definitely not a fan.

Yesterday, I engaged in my usual morning routine, my beloved morning routine, of sitting on my front steps with a really good book, a cup of strong coffee and a cigarette.  My favorite neighbor and her friend were all abuzz with activity setting up a yard sale.  Since none of us have yards, it is actually more of a sidewalk sale.  We chatted for a while, and I wondered to myself if they would mind me sitting out some of my jewelry that I still have sitting around from over a year ago.  I didn't know if I felt like dealing with it, so I sat tight for a bit reading my book.  The more they set up and happily chatted, though, I too caught some of their excitement.

Upon asking, they welcomed my "stuff," so I quickly went inside and began gathering a few things.  Turns out, even as a single woman only owning her home just shy of three years, I have accumulated quite a conglomeration of junk.  Thank you family for sending all your unwanted goods to me all the time!  It took me two hours to collect it all, haul it outside, set it up and price everything.  Then commenced the long, hot--SWELTERING--day in the sun waiting for customers.

For those of you who aren't familiar with my house, it is a row with only a set of four concrete steps up to the front door and no sheltering overhang or awning--a very traditional, turn-of-the-century Philadelphia rowhouse.  99.9% of the world thinks I'm crazy, but I love it.  So, when it comes to sitting outside all day, there are the steps, and there is the sun.  After a miserable first hour or so, I decided to make things a bit more comfortable.  I brought out an old, thick chair pad to sit on, my sleeping bag, stuffed in its sack, to place between me and the door for cushiony lounging, and a bucket of ice water to stick my feet it and splash myself with.  At 4:00 the radio came out too for the Phillies game.  It was hot, it was miserable, it was long, it was exhausting, it was a WONDERFUL day!  The fact that I net $71 off of old junk was great, but much more-so was the laughter and camaraderie with my neighbors.  Not just the ones next door, either, many others came over and chatted for a while and I was able to build on old relationships and discover some new ones among these crazy and fantastic neighbors of mine.

In this neighborhood, I stick out just a bit, and yesterday presented an opportunity to share in our humanity.  What is more American the a good ol' fashioned yard sale? (ok, apple pie, blah, blah, blah)  I've learned through my years here not to oversimplify race relations with nice sounding epithets of color-blindness.  I've learned that denying differences denies who we are as a product of different cultures and different experiences.  The reality is, they are black and I'm white.  They come from poverty, and I come from plenty.  They have inferiority complexes, and I have a superiority complex.  Because I know and love them, I am able to accept and live in this tension--difference, but unity.  I realize I don't have to make us all the same, declaring foolishly, "I don't see color!"  In America, "not seeing color" inevitably becomes "everyone is white," for it comes from our perspective, our privileged perspective.  You will rarely, if ever, hear a black person declare that there is no difference, that they are colorblind--they don't have that luxury for they see and feel it all the time.  Not seeing color is a "privilege" of the majority with the insidious side effect of denying the minority their unique personhood.

I do see color and I do see difference, and it is quite beautiful. 

  

Oh, how far I've come!

These days, I am often reminded of how far I have come in my struggle with body image.  Just today, I had on a beautiful sundress and found myself thinking how sexy and beautiful I looked in it.  I have been at a healthy weight for several years now and am no longer enslaved to hatred of my body and a need to loose weight.  What an absolute joy it is to see the work God has done in my heart and mind!  Only five or six years ago, I was walking on a thin line between life and death, cycling between anorexia and bulimia, filled with self-hatred, and almost succeeded in killing myself on one occasion.  My life today could not be further from that nightmare.

I was recently looking back through one of my old journals from the height of my eating disorder, and I was filled with sadness at the depth of pain and despair I lived through, but I was also filled with complete joy at the way God has used this struggle to develop me into the woman I am today.  I wanted to share an entry that highlights how deep my internal conflict was and just how difficult an eating disorder can be, but also shows the hope of a woman who was embracing the fight.  This entry was written about a year after my second hospitalization, a time when I was beginning to really fight the disease and not just give in to it.  In this entry, I mention a friend who was not doing as well as me and I have changed her name.

January 23, 2005

I am really discouraged today by the changes in my body.  I know God has called me to healing and He is working amazing miracles in my life to make that happen, but living every day feeling utterly disgusted with yourself is draining.  My prayer, everyday Father, has been that You would change me.  Help me to accept my body.  Help me to see it as something other than my enemy. 

There's hardly ever a day that I don't wake up and, before anything else enters my consciousness, I think and feel that I am fat and disgusting.  In those moments, I hate my body and my heart sinks as I awaken and realize, once again, I have to get up and endure the horribleness and the hatred and there's nothing else I can do about it but just live with it.  I don't want to wake up and feel good about my body.  I just want to wake up and not think about it at all.

Eve is loosing her battle.  She is not able to live with these feelings and so she acts on them every moment of every day.  While she still has some life in her body, it has all slipped away from her spirit.  Her words, her face, her eyes are slow, sad, and empty.  I fear for her.  I ache for her.  I hate this eating disorder that has done this to her.  I clench my fist, shake it at the sky and yell to satan, "You cannot have her!"  But I am helpless when it comes to Eve.  The tears, grief, and the anger that are with me now for Eve must, tomorrow, be for Jessica when I wake with fresh disgust and hatred for myself and my body.  My mornings, my days, my nights DO NOT belong to this eating disorder.  They do not belong to satan, and indeed they do not even belong to me.  I am the Lord's--I have been bought at a very high price--and tomorrow morning, when I am so disgusted with myself that I can hardly stand to be one more moment in my skin, I will clench my fist and my teeth and I will echo what God has been declaring on my behalf since day one of this battle, "YOU CAN NOT HAVE HER!"