Gaining New Perspective

Special.

"Individual, particular; distinguished by some unusual quality; being in some way superior; held in particular esteem; readily distinguishable from others of the same category; being other than the usual; designed for a particular purpose or occasion."

That's Webster's definition, well, the shortened version at least. This idea of being "special" keeps coming back to me. How I desire to be special, to be--as Webster's says-- "distinguished" from others. I want to know who I am and why I am inportant. I know God says I'm important and I know He loves me, yet I still feel sadly unsatisfied by that. I feel a deep need to set myself apart--to prove my uniquenss , my specialness, my worth.

I feel this is a big piece of my overall struggle. Why I starve and purge and cut. Wendy says I crave attention, that my cutting and all these crazy behaviors are seeking attention. I've hated that idea, fought against it in my head. Felt that it came out of self-hatred, out of the pain I'm dealing with. But I know that on some level it is true. I crave attention. I want so badly to know that I'm special. That I have an identity all my own.

"Hi, I'm Jessica, and I'm broken. Please love me."

That's what my wounds, scars, and thin body say. That's what my depressive mood, self-deprecating statments, and medications say. I hang them out there or reveal them at strategic times to snare someone.

"This is who I am. This is my identity."

It stirs the emmotions and then people feel connected to me, somehow they see my humanity. But I need to allow people to see my humanity and God's incredible love for me in spite of it, without needing to seek attention in unhealthy ways. And I need to find my identity and be content in it wihtout using unhealthy means.

Wendy called me last night while I was thinking on all of this. She is so full of wisdom and insight it is just unbelievable! God used her to open my eyes to two big things:

1. On Monday she gave me an assignment: No drama for one whole week. Just normal boring life. So, she was thinking about this and called me to say that it's not a matter of drama vs. boredom. It's about embracing contentment in my life no matter what is going on internally or externally.

2. Regarding my need to be special, she said this: "Spiritual maturity means getting to the point where I want everyone to be equally valuable." Huge! It's like God's not even interested in answering my whiny question about my "specialness". He's saying--Jessica, it's not all about you! I've been asking the wrong question and I've had the wrong perspective. But she also reminded me that it's okay to be where I am right now. It's okay to be in this place. This is the journey I'm on and I don't need to beat myself up over where I am or where I think I should be.

So, the question now isn't what makes me special from all the billions of people out there, the question is . . .

Father, how do I turn my life from being all about me, to being all about You?