A few weeks back my friends and I went to see the new Star Wars movie (Revenge of the Sith) and afterwards we got into an unlikely conversation about the human condition. In thinking about Anikan and how he "evolved" into Darth Vadar, we wondered whether a person can ever reach a place where they have become so hurt and beaten down by the world and their own poor choices that they are too far gone and literally can't fight their way out.
My two friends argued back and forth about it, and I sat listening quietly. I know--unusual for me. I'm usually in the thick of any heated discussion, but this time, I was reflecting on my own life in the quiet of my heart.
Am I too far gone? Is there any hope for me? Is there a way out of this? Quite often I don't feel like there is--it seems hopeless. But I realize that that is the lie satan wants me to believe. If he can get me to believe that my situation is hopeless--that I'll never be free of this eating disorder--then I'll stop fighting and he will have won. But I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that there is hope. I know because I understand God's grace. I know because God tells me in His word that I "can never be plucked out of his hand". I know because I've seen other women find the freedom that I so desire. I know because God tells us that the power that raised Christ from the dead is the SAME power that is at work in me through the Holy Spirit.
And this is where I come back to the process. The slow process of healing and change. It happens so slowly that I become discouraged and don't even recognize it--but it's there.
Something else I reflected on as I sat in the car listening to my friends' debate: Choice. When a person gets into a situation like me or some other type of life-draining addiction, how much of it was their choice and how much was due to life beating them down over and over? Again, my friends were debating this back and forth. My best friend's father fought a lifelong battle against mental illness, drugs, and painkillers--he never found victory. He died in his addiction. So, she fought passionately for the "beaten down by life" side. I wasn't entirely persuaded by her arguments. I realized that each of us has choices to make. Like my friend's father, there was a point in my life where I slowly started making really bad choices. Back then, when I still had control, when I wasn't totally into my eating disorder, I needed to make the right choices. But I didn't. And that's how I got to be where I am.
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