Summer

Stretching before me are days full of possibilities--a summer full of traveling, relaxing, lots of time with my sister and niece, reading, and picking up a new sport (kayaking). An entire summer to spend doing all the things I miss when I am busy working full time. But also, a summer full of empty days.

Eating disorders present themselves in so many different ways, and each woman's struggle is individual. For me, I am both an anorexic and a bulimic. In short, I am literally addicted to food like an alcoholic or drug addict, so I eat compulsively and fight desperately for control. Along with this, though, I have an intense fear of gaining weight and being out of control. So when my compulsive eating (binging) gets too out of control, I freak out and just stop eating because I think that's the only way I'll be able to stop the binging. It is very hard for someone who doesn't struggle with this to understand it, but I am literally terrified of food and addicted to it all the same.

And here is the most horrific part. An alcoholic can stay out of bars. A drug addict can stay away from the neighborhoods where they bought their drugs. A sex addict can keep pornography out of their home and put strict filters on their computers. But I am forced to be surrounded by food everywhere I go, in everything I do. Even my home is not safe--it is packed with it.

My friends and my family are dear to me, I want to and need to spend time with them. But their houses are filled with food too. We could go out somewhere--a movie. No, popcorn, nachos, candy. How about going out for dinner? Yeah, that's helpful. What about a bar? Nope, fries, chips, nachos, wings. Maybe that is why I am in love with the outdoors so much, it is the only place I can escape my curse.

So, while I face the prospects of a wonderful summer full of the most precious of all commodities--time--that is exactly what terrifies me. Empty time to sit in my house full of food, or my sister's house full of food. Or go to my friend's house full of food. Or my church where they have free food.

Oh, God help me.