I'm so dysfunctional!

I feel the need to warn people that I will be gaining some weight. Even just saying "gaining some weight" kills me. But anyway, somehow, I feel like I need to just put it out there so that people are aware ahead of time. Of course I realize that this is ridiculous--the fact is that most people probably won't even notice the weight that I gain. But I am so insecure about how I will look that I feel a warning is necessary. No, it's not even really a warning I want to put out there. It's almost an apology.

"I'm really sorry. I just want you to know that I'm about to put on 10 pounds. I know that I won't be nearly as beautiful, but I hope that you can forgive me and still love me anyway
because you know that this is what I need to do to be emotionally and physically healthy."

That's what I feel I need to tell people. But I know that this is only coming out of my distorted thinking. These are lies that I recognize immediately as soon as I see or hear them. Yet I can't get away from the fact that this is how I feel deep inside. But I can't beat myself up over it--that is how I feel and somehow I need be okay with those feelings while trusting that God is working on my heart to change the lies to Truth.

Since making the decision to trust God for my contentment rather than trying to manufacture it myself through my appearance and addiction to food, I have had mixed results. There have been moments of success (which were filled with anxiety, fear, discomfort, and self-loathing for me) where I ate a reasonable meal and then sat with the heaviness of it in me. And there have been moments of defeat where I gave in to my addictions or to my fears. Since most of you have no idea what this is like for me, let me try and explain:

I am absolutely terrified of eating food and keeping it down. Not just a little scared or nervous. Not just slightly anxious. I am talking raw instinctual panic like when you know you are in physical danger and you have to do something immediate to protect yourself. Think of the one or two things you are most afraid of. If you have any true phobias like heights, spiders, or small spaces then you might start to get the picture. If not, then think of the panic you feel when you sense your child or spouse is in danger. That momentary feeling of panic, dread, and fear is exactly how I feel when I know I have to eat or have eaten and can not purge. But it is nowhere near momentary. It lasts and grows as the food sits in my stomach like a cursed enemy. This is the fear, panic and anxiety that I have to face over and over, every day of my life. So please, forgive me and bear with me when I sometimes get irritable.

I am realizing just how proactive I have to be in this. Not so much by a focus on food, but by a focus on God. Keeping myself centered in Him. Starting my day with His promises to me and by committing myself anew to honoring Him through every moment. For now it is baby steps; one meal at a time. That is all I can handle. Thinking forward to an entire day is overwhelming.

I must, I must, I must increase my trust . . .

At its most basic, my eating disorder is about me not trusting God and lacking faith in His goodness. Not believing that He can make me content when I am centered in Him. I don't truly trust Him so I take my life and contentment, fulfillment, and happiness, into my own hands. I somehow believe that I am the only one who can make me happy. I don't believe that I will be okay 10 pounds heavier. I don't believe that I will be beautiful when I eat normally and gain weight. Therefore, no one will love me or notice me. In addition, I believe that I have to gain the world's attention to be okay with myself, to be truly satisfied.

Plain and simple, I am just choosing not to trust God.

What would happen if I believed His goodness? If I truly believed He can satisfy every physical and emotional need I have? What would happen if I dared to trust Him?

I would find freedom. I would find healing. I would find everything I have been looking for in my lovely dysfunctions.

The thought scares me so deeply. I am so afraid, so very unsure, but I do dare to trust. Wendy has given me the hope and the vision that this can be! I must take the plunge, I must dive into the pool of God's refreshing goodness and grace and know for myself just how wet it truly is. Just how good He truly is. Just how true His words are.

So, what does this mean practically? Being accountable in my eating habits--allowing my sister to partner with me in this. Daily seeking God through prayer and meditation on His word.

"In quietness and in trust will be your strength . . ."

This means holding to the hope that there is a different life out there for me and that God can change me. I must "take captive every thought" unto God's obedience. This means embracing who God says I am and renouncing the lies of satan. It means choosing to believe God. (But it is so much easier believe the lies!) When I am afraid, anxious and hating myself, I must radically and ruthlessly cling to God's promises.

I am so afraid, even now, that this task is so much more than I can handle. And oh, it so is! But I am never, no, not ever alone. I live in the power of Jesus' resurrection through the Holy Spirit living in me. I don't trust myself, in fact, I fear myself. But that is good. I am learning to trust God.

Father, give me strength and courage in the face of what seems insurmountable. Help me wait for you and trust your presence and goodness in the here and the now rather than fearing the future. Show me how to quiet myself and experience real life as you have so mercifully and lovingly given it to me.

WOW!

God is so at work in my life. He is calling me, teaching me. It is such a wonderful feeling, like being romanced.

Wendy gave me a book to read--Henri Nouwen's Here and Now. Such amazing Truth was revealed in just the opening pages. Man, I think this summer is going to be called the Summer of Gaining Perspective. My eyes are being opened to how much I am focusing on everything that I shouldn't be.

Forgive me as I proceed to quote like crazy from what I've read so far.

He opens by saying, "We must learn to live each day, each hour, yes, each minute as a new beginning, as a unique opportunity to make everything new." This goes along beautifully with scripture where God says, "Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation: The old has gone, the new has come!". Nouwen then writes, "The problem is that we allow our past, which becomes longer and longer each year, to say to us: "You know it all; you have seen it all, be realistic; the future will be just another repeat of the past. Try and survive it as best you can".

How long I have viewed my life as just something to be survived, to be endured. What a defeatest way of thinking! Nouwen calls these lies we listen to "foxes" and says, "When we listen to these foxes, they eventually prove themselves right: our new year, our new day, our new hour become flat, boring, dull, and without anything new".

The answer to this? Listen to God's voice, not the foxes. God says to us, "Let me show you where I live among my people. My name is 'God-with-you.' I will wipe away all the tears from your eyes; there will be no more death, and no more mourning or sadness. The world of the past has gone". He goes on to say, "We must choose to listen to that voice, and every choice will open us a little more to discover the new life hidden in the moment, waiting eagerly to be born".

Whose voice am I listening to? Not God's! I've been listening to my voice. I've been listening to the lies of the fox. And then I cry out to God that I am captive and I want freedom, and He says to me, 'listen to my voice and follow me'. He pleads with me to listen to Him, but I shut my ears and choose to believe the lies.

Why? Why do I do this? I am purposefully thwarting God and listening to the enemy. Good ol' Henri N. has an answer to this too. This knocked me off my chair:

It is hard to live in the present. The past and the future keep harassing us. The past with guilt, the future with worries . . . The real enemies of our life are the "oughts" and the "ifs". They pull us backward into the unalterable past and forward into the unpredictable future. But real life takes place inthe here and the now. God is a god of the presnt. God is always in the moment, be that moment hard or easy, joyful or painful. God is . . . the One who is, and who is for me in the present moment. That's why Jesus came to wipe away the burden of the pst and the worries for the future. He wants us to disciver God right where we are, here and now."

Holy freaking Cow! Could God have slammed me with more Truth about life and about me? I sat and meditated on this after I read it and was just overwhelmed. I have been so wrapped up in the pain, regret, guilt, and shame of my past, and the fear of the future, that I haven't allowed God to reach me in my present moments. But as Nouwen says, this, the here and the now, this is Real Life. This is where God can meet me. I have literally been living in the past--whining about it to God, and I've been literally living in the future--crying out over my fears, and God has been trying to tell me: Shhhhhhh! Quiet down and listen! You can't change the past and you can't live in fear of the future. But I am Immanuel. Right here, and Right Now I am with you.

Yes, and Amen.

Lessons from Joseph

Times have been rough. I bought a new bikini last weekend and wore it at a friend's birthday (pool) party. I looked great! But I know that how I looked was because of my unhealthy eating habits. I want so much to change, but I fear that if I do so, I won't be able to maintain that great bikini look.

Constant tension. What to do? Most days I feel so helpless, like this is just how I am and it's never going to change. I feel my only hope is holding onto God and waiting for him to change me. I've realized that I am so self-focused. Like I said yesterday, I've been making the world all about me. But as I grow and learn to make God my focus, I hope that I will gain a greater perspective on myself and my weight and then I will eventually be okay with the way I look which will free me to finally and completely change my eating habits.

I was reading about Joseph this morning. He is one of the Bible's characters that I have always felt very drawn to. As I read, I meditated on his journey. What was it like for him as he traveled in captivity from his homeland to Egypt where he was sold as a slave to Potiphar? Oh, how I wish we had his journal to see what his thoughts and internal conflicts were. Did he blame his brothers, his father, or maybe God? Did he harbor bitterness in his heart for a long time and struggle with it as he worked in Potiphar's household? All we know is that he was sold to Potiphar and that God blessed him so much there that Potiphar noticed and eventually set all of his household under the care and control of Joseph. So Joseph must have worked really hard and devoted himself to the service of his master. But how long did this take? Was it years before he relented and served dutifully? Did he ever try to escape?

I don't have answers to these questions. Whether it took years for him to come to this point, or if he gave in right away, what I do know is this: Joseph was faced with imprisonment and somewhere along the way, he chose to make the best of it. And God blessed him for it.

Bloom where you are planted.

This is a saying I have grown to love and am working at making a part of my life. Joseph and I have this one thing in common: We are both imprisoned. I want to learn the lesson of Joseph's life. Whether you like where you find yourself or not, Bloom where you are planted. Joseph didn't like his circumstance, he was betrayed by his brothers and sold into slavery. But he chose to work diligently and to honor God in the midst of his suffering. And God blessed him for it. And eventually FREED him from captivity. I must find a way to do the same. I am not sure what this looks like. How to honor God in the midst of my eating disorder. But I will continue to work at it until God brings me freedom. Although I don't know this for sure, I guess that Joseph didn't get it right the first time either.