I must, I must, I must increase my trust . . .

At its most basic, my eating disorder is about me not trusting God and lacking faith in His goodness. Not believing that He can make me content when I am centered in Him. I don't truly trust Him so I take my life and contentment, fulfillment, and happiness, into my own hands. I somehow believe that I am the only one who can make me happy. I don't believe that I will be okay 10 pounds heavier. I don't believe that I will be beautiful when I eat normally and gain weight. Therefore, no one will love me or notice me. In addition, I believe that I have to gain the world's attention to be okay with myself, to be truly satisfied.

Plain and simple, I am just choosing not to trust God.

What would happen if I believed His goodness? If I truly believed He can satisfy every physical and emotional need I have? What would happen if I dared to trust Him?

I would find freedom. I would find healing. I would find everything I have been looking for in my lovely dysfunctions.

The thought scares me so deeply. I am so afraid, so very unsure, but I do dare to trust. Wendy has given me the hope and the vision that this can be! I must take the plunge, I must dive into the pool of God's refreshing goodness and grace and know for myself just how wet it truly is. Just how good He truly is. Just how true His words are.

So, what does this mean practically? Being accountable in my eating habits--allowing my sister to partner with me in this. Daily seeking God through prayer and meditation on His word.

"In quietness and in trust will be your strength . . ."

This means holding to the hope that there is a different life out there for me and that God can change me. I must "take captive every thought" unto God's obedience. This means embracing who God says I am and renouncing the lies of satan. It means choosing to believe God. (But it is so much easier believe the lies!) When I am afraid, anxious and hating myself, I must radically and ruthlessly cling to God's promises.

I am so afraid, even now, that this task is so much more than I can handle. And oh, it so is! But I am never, no, not ever alone. I live in the power of Jesus' resurrection through the Holy Spirit living in me. I don't trust myself, in fact, I fear myself. But that is good. I am learning to trust God.

Father, give me strength and courage in the face of what seems insurmountable. Help me wait for you and trust your presence and goodness in the here and the now rather than fearing the future. Show me how to quiet myself and experience real life as you have so mercifully and lovingly given it to me.