I feel the need to warn people that I will be gaining some weight. Even just saying "gaining some weight" kills me. But anyway, somehow, I feel like I need to just put it out there so that people are aware ahead of time. Of course I realize that this is ridiculous--the fact is that most people probably won't even notice the weight that I gain. But I am so insecure about how I will look that I feel a warning is necessary. No, it's not even really a warning I want to put out there. It's almost an apology.
"I'm really sorry. I just want you to know that I'm about to put on 10 pounds. I know that I won't be nearly as beautiful, but I hope that you can forgive me and still love me anyway
because you know that this is what I need to do to be emotionally and physically healthy."
That's what I feel I need to tell people. But I know that this is only coming out of my distorted thinking. These are lies that I recognize immediately as soon as I see or hear them. Yet I can't get away from the fact that this is how I feel deep inside. But I can't beat myself up over it--that is how I feel and somehow I need be okay with those feelings while trusting that God is working on my heart to change the lies to Truth.
Since making the decision to trust God for my contentment rather than trying to manufacture it myself through my appearance and addiction to food, I have had mixed results. There have been moments of success (which were filled with anxiety, fear, discomfort, and self-loathing for me) where I ate a reasonable meal and then sat with the heaviness of it in me. And there have been moments of defeat where I gave in to my addictions or to my fears. Since most of you have no idea what this is like for me, let me try and explain:
I am absolutely terrified of eating food and keeping it down. Not just a little scared or nervous. Not just slightly anxious. I am talking raw instinctual panic like when you know you are in physical danger and you have to do something immediate to protect yourself. Think of the one or two things you are most afraid of. If you have any true phobias like heights, spiders, or small spaces then you might start to get the picture. If not, then think of the panic you feel when you sense your child or spouse is in danger. That momentary feeling of panic, dread, and fear is exactly how I feel when I know I have to eat or have eaten and can not purge. But it is nowhere near momentary. It lasts and grows as the food sits in my stomach like a cursed enemy. This is the fear, panic and anxiety that I have to face over and over, every day of my life. So please, forgive me and bear with me when I sometimes get irritable.
I am realizing just how proactive I have to be in this. Not so much by a focus on food, but by a focus on God. Keeping myself centered in Him. Starting my day with His promises to me and by committing myself anew to honoring Him through every moment. For now it is baby steps; one meal at a time. That is all I can handle. Thinking forward to an entire day is overwhelming.
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