Maybe my search for justice--my deep sense of needing to fix all things unjust--comes from the realization (internally) that my lifestyle is very unjust. I eat food and then throw it up (truly, I am getting better. Though improvement is slow) wasting both the food and the money spent to buy it. I worry about my weight and my looks above most other things. I shop and dress as well as I can. I drive an expensive car. All of this for the sake of attention, being noticed, standing out.
Jesus wasn't flashy. Nothing drew people to him except for who he was.
I am selfish. I am hypocritical. By definition, I am unjust. Maybe God is waiting to use me until my actions match my words. Until who I am is what I believe. Thus far, I have truly been believing a lie! Hook, line, and sinker; I swallowed it all. And despite my choking, and the choking going on around me, I continued on believing two things antithetical. That God has called me to save those around me who are being hurt by this lie, and that I can continue to personally benefit from this lie.
Today I have been so struck by my own selfishness. Now just by this present revelation, but even what God was revealing to me this morning in church. Wrapped up in my desire to look a certain way, I was brought to tears during church over my weight. Then, as I listened to my voice singing and heard the words, I had a powerful sense of how focused I am on me. I always make everything about me--but it's not all about me! In fact, it couldn't be any further than about me! I am a part of the Kingdom. Spiritually and physically I am secure. It is really about God, others, and furthering the Kingdom.
Then, after the church service, I was on stage leading worship for young children. While singing, "I am somebody. Because God loves me. And I'm accepted just the way that I am. His love is higher. It's deeper and wider, than you and I could ever understand." As I sang those words, I desperately wanted the children to understand and internalize that life-changing message. Yet, my own life denies its Truth and veracity.
Selfish. Hypocritical. I am a work in progress and I need to move from this point of being challenged (coming face to face with my own sin) to being radically changed.
29 May, 2006
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