So, about two months ago, my voice began acting strangely. I tell it like that since I didn't completely lose my voice, but it certainly doesn't sound as it should. I first called my doc who suggested some meds for acid reflux, to no avail. I next went to a free clinic since I am a (and have been for some time) unemployed with no insurance. My doc there made referrals for a CT scan and to see an ear/nose/throat specialist. The CT scan showed enlarged lymph nodes which is often indicative of leukemia or lymphoma. Ok, time to be officially concerned, I'm thinking. Better make haste to the ENT doc. Thank goodness I have a good friend who is a doctor who was able to pull some strings and get me an appointment before armageddon. So now I will be waiting for a bit--waiting for the appointment (next Wed.) and then waiting for test results. Waiting happens to leave room for a good deal of pondering, hence the title of this post.
Not that I'm dying or even have cancer, but I'm just thinking about it and how I will handle it if I do. I find the "bad" things in life much easier to handle if I pose a worst-case scenario to myself and then process how I'd walk that path if I have to. So, I've had several thoughts. One: if I were to die of lymphoma, I do not want people to donate money or make a big deal about the lymphoma foundation. I always found that concept somewhat silly. I would much rather people donate or make a big deal of something that was important to me while I was alive and healthy. I was talking with a friend today and told her I would very much like for people to do work in my name regarding research and prevention into violence against women. And, as per typical Jessica style, whatever is done must be done in a very progressive, out-of-the-box fashion. And please, no "in lieu of flowers." I love flowers, have always loved flowers and would want my family and friends to be surrounded by as many sweet, fragrant ones as possible! And not the typical funeral flowers--why do all funeral flowers have to be so obviously funeralish? I want gorgeous ones. Beautiful, fragrant blooms--like a wedding or celebration, not a dirge.
Two: If I am laid up for a long time with an illness like cancer--you know, chemo, radiation, etc.--then I will finally, finally, finally, write a book. I know this sounds nuts, but, well, it is me we're dealing with here. I've always wanted to write a book. I've always wanted to make a permanent, lasting imprint for all history. At the very least, please loved ones, publish my journals.
Three: Hmm . . . I guess that's as far as I've gotten so far. But, I still have lots of waiting to do, so I know there will be more pondering.
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