Just now I wanted to post a few poems of mine from the past several years and began looking through a journal of mine from a particularly prolific period of my life (a time marked by great suffering and reflection). Re-reading these things shows me anew how powerfully deep suffering affects and builds a true Christ-like theology when that suffering is experienced and reflected upon in the light of God's hand of grace (for it is true that some allow suffering to turn them to anger against God instead). Coming now to a fuller understanding of my theology and of who I believe God has revealed Himself to be, I find the evolution of my theology amazing, crazy, and most infinitely beautiful. Here are some fairly random quotes that I feel characterize some of this evolution (taken from the time period between Jan 2004 - Mar 2005. I would have been here for a week had I sorted through all 12-15 of my journals!). Some are my own, some are from others who have affected me deeply with their thoughts. Credit is given where thoughts are not my own.
Father, I invite you to break my will, even if it brings suffering.
Real maturity isn't living by emotion.
The Christian life is not about striving to do what is right. It is simply to be and to become, cooperating with God's work in your life.
~ Pastor Wendy Melchoir ~
Does scripture focus on what to do, or how you do it?
With a cold sense of superiority, we write people off when God has never written us off. I'm a flawed person. You're a flawed person. I would like to do life together with you. ~ Pastor David Sharpes ~
Fight for Truth. Always retain the feeling, the sense of horror and outrage at sin. Never assimilate and don't be seduced.
Father, teach my heart to break again at my own sin.
I know it is raining today, but above that rain, the sun is still there.
~ 8 thoothed woman at a store-front church ~
Church never saved anyone's soul.
Despite the mess I've made of my life, there is one thing I know to be true. There is a God and He cares an awful lot about me, and I need Him. I think that's the least bull-shitty thing I've said in a long time. When Earnest Hemmingway would get really stuck with writer's block, he would tell himself, "start with the truest thing you know." Well, that is the truest thing I know.
I still panic sometimes and forget to breathe. Then I remember . . . there's a beauty in all my imperfections and he holds it up for me to see.
~ the movie Crazy/Beautiful ~
I believed I was starting all over, leaving everything behind. This time, I know such a thing is impossible. My history is not erased by a change of venue, memories will not fade with the miles, and who I am will remain the same until I do something to change it.
God absolutely accepts us where we are . . . but he doesn't leave us there.
~ Ward Keller, founder of Remuda Ranch ~
Take notes along the way (it's all a learning experience)!
~ Lauren Cirillo, a good friend ~
I feel like a caged animal that someone is trying to domesticate. I was rescued from the wild, bandaged, and taught how to "live." But I'll never be truly happy or alive until I return. This is what the church does to us.
Christians, who have seen and tasted God's grace, are the worst at giving it to others and themselves.
You cannot find freedom from that which you cling to.
Letting go will be very painful and bring many tears and probably moments of loneliness and despair. But we can walk through that with God. We can walk that valley, and we will walk that valley for it is what we must do.
What a beautiful piece of heartache this has all turned out to be.
~ Over The Rhine ~
The Greek word, passion, means "to suffer." When I am passionate about something, my heart and spirit do suffer indeed. They suffer the longing of wanting something deeply, of relentlessly pursuing it, and the difference between how things should be and how they really are. Christ suffered in His passion for us, and if we truly love, we will suffer in our passion for others. I could avoid the suffering of a passionate heart, but it would come at the great cost of deadening it to love. Christ chose to love passionately and it cost Him great suffering. Those who dare follow Him are called to do the same.
Spiritual disciplines are not a formula for a relationship with God, but they are a pathway to God. They help us move past the superficialities in life.
Father, I embrace my need for you. I embrace my complete and utter inability to deal with things on my own. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that's the only place I will be free and at peace. Freedom comes only in raising the white flag of surrender and turning myself in to you.
When you feel the need to make a judgement about someone, stop yourself and remember: You don't need to make a decision about that person. All you need to do is love them. ~ Pastor Wendy Melchoir ~
God is always calling us to repentance through every aspect of our lives. He is constantly calling us back to Himself.
I didn't know the power and extent of the Light until I'd walked in the depth of darkness.
Though we love to numb the pain
we come to learn that it's in vain.
Pain is our Mother
she helps us recognize each other.
~ Over The Rhine ~
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